12

   It had been 7 days since I had last seen Axis- the last time being when he fled from the table, with not a single word, but I knew I had pushed him too far. I should of known it was stupid of me to force into a public place when he wasn't feeling 100% with his depression and anxiety, but now I was both scared and angry. He'd left his phone in my car so I couldn't contact him with texts and phone calls since his house phone was broken by something and he never bothered to fix it. No emails were from him in my inbox and no messages anywhere else had been received. He'd become a ghost, hiding away god knows where.

   Each time I had gone to his house, I had received no reply at the front door. He didn't give me a key since he claimed the days at home were the days he spent mask-less, and despite being good friends he still didn't let me see his face. I'd asked on many an occasion yet he had still said no. Now it was the 7th of November, and I had just arrived at his house for the last time- determined to find out if he was home or not. Do determined in fact, that I brought a megaphone. It was a good thing he didn't have any neighbours and lived in a detached house...

   Walking up the stone steps, I banged on the door loudly, before listening for any movement inside. When nothing happened, I switched on the microphone and took in a deep breath. "AXIS ASYLUM!!! If you don't answer this door, I'll have S.W.A.T teams break it down!!! You have 30 seconds!" Switching it off, I got my phone out ready to phone the emergency services. Within 23 seconds, Axis opened the door, an old mask design covering his face and for once he actually looked better than a drowned corpse. Now he only looked like a recently deceased one. 

   From what I could tell he tried to speak but I pushed him inside, myself following not long after and closing the door behind me and I glared daggers at him as he stumbled to speak. "Axis you fucking asshole. 7 days. 7 FUCKING days I've been looking for you- I've called around here numerous times, checked my emails so often that I listed different levels priority for each individual person whom contacts me! I was scared you were mugged or something happened to you when you ran off-" I broke off with tears in my eyes, unable to shout at him for long without such a thing occurring. "I fucking hate you so much!" I cried, I wiped them away angrily and just glared, tense and overly emotional. 

   Axis was never a good person with arguments. In fact the first time we met was when we somehow got into an argument when I attended one of his club shows about how he wasn't anything unique in the music business- it ended up with myself getting hired by him as a roadie, and the rest was history. He couldn't argue, he didn't have the mean streak in him to do so. So when he saw me crying there, unable to continue screaming and hurling abuse at him despite him being in the right mostly in the first place, he came over and hugged me. He hugged me close and let me rest my head on his shoulder, still bawling my eyes out. 

   It felt like we stood there for the longest time, him letting me cry and running a hand over my back in a soothing motion. "I'm so damn sorry Leanna- I didn't want to cause all of this... That day I felt worse than I had in a very long time. It didn't help it was my birthday- but that's no excuse. I should of contacted you sooner Lea Lea..." His voice broke as he hugged me closer, and I found myself feeling immensely guilty as I knew he would be too. "Will you forgive me for what I did?" He asked, pulling away enough to see my face. How could I say no when he truly regretted all that had happened? "Don't be stupid... Of course I forgive you, you dope!" 

   When we had calmed down enough, and we had sat down face to face, I asked Axis what had happened that day. From before I got there to his house, to right now. He looked downwards, not wanting to talk, but eventually, he did. His voice stayed low, and careful. "I've wanted to talk to you for awhile about this, but I never truly knew how to. When you first found out I had depression, you were determined clinical treatment could cure me, like medicine or a vaccination to a physical illness. I tried treating it your way- though the results actually made it worse, only pilling on the frustration and hopelessness that I didn't feel any better." 

   He looked seriously at me, with green eyes that seemed just as pale as the skin around them. I felt a knot form in my stomach, not looking forward to what he had to say. "I continued treatment for a long time, but in the end it had no effect, if not it was negative. Yes, I stopped going to depression clinics and therapy sessions... And for a while I felt slightly better, to be out of the way from those privacy invading doctors. But eventually the whole reason why I went there returned and I reverted to doing stupid things... Horrible things. Before you came to pick me up that day, I did those stupid things, once again." 

   He got up from the sofa, conflict and pain showing all over him. In his eyes, his stance, his arms which seemed ever so thin. Slowly he reached to pull up his sleeves, which I had only now noticed that Axis almost always wore them lately. Underneath the patterned dark fabric lay hundreds of lines upon his arms, on both sides in a mess of cuts and scrapes. Some were vertical while others zigzagged across, all of them an inflamed red which looked incredibly painful. I was aware that at some point my mouth had fallen open, eyes wide with tears flowing again. It wasn't even the end as he took off his shirt and more lay across his sides, longer and much more dangerous looking considering some looked like they weren't healing very well. 

   "Axis... Why...?" I sobbed, unable to comprehend that he truly was destroying himself, piece by piece. "Because I can't bare it some days." He said as if it was the simplest thing in the world but he was suffering still, mentally and physically. "Hundreds of thousands of fans whom bare their love for me, for fixing them, for making them whole again with my music... But I can't even keep myself whole." He cried himself, voice barely a whisper. "Depression and social anxiety are eating me alive and I can't go outside anymore because I fear that people won't care about me. I'm scared they'll forget that I'm a living person and I'll fade away, Leanna. That my existence? Was for nought because was it ever truly there? And I can't fight these thoughts with medicine, or expensive shrink sessions."

   I let him continue, unable to interrupt. "That day, I did this... And the rest of the day I spent posing and smiling but inside I was shaking, dying from the fear and wanting to run away because I was certain they would laugh or mock me for being less than a being worth noticing. I ran away from the restaurant, after throwing up from how sick and suffocated I felt. Then I came across this... When I finally had calmed down enough to think with a slice of rationality." Axis pointed a two books which seemed battered with the spines not doing too well, and covered in what looked like dried blood. "The Blacklight Series. I bought them on a whim when I tripped over a stand holding them in the middle of the night, and almost destroyed my current mask. The message on the back from the author, gave me more hope than I had seen in a long time."

   He picked it up carefully, and passed it to me with a light in his eyes I hadn't seen before. I read it out loud, my voice raw and scratchy. "...To those whom reach that dark place that no one believes is there, but affects us all, thinking they can't be whole again... This is for you. You still matter, if only to me..." I looked up at Axis, whom stared right back, scars and injuries bared for me to see. "I've read the books over and over these past few days whenever I felt my mental illnesses coming back to haunt me again- and it truly helped me, it stopped me from adding more. So I ask- no... I beg of you. Will you help me too? Not send me to a clinic..." He looked at me desperately, and once again I couldn't say no. He was my best friend, and to see him so broken- I felt my younger self whom was once in a similar situation to his own reach out with open arms.

   "I will help you in any way I can Axis. You know I wouldn't leave you in such a place when I have been there before too." He seemed so relieved, when I finally spoke up, so much so that I could almost see the weights fall from his shoulders and he sagged slightly, as all the stress left his system. This time I hugged him, delicately but he pulled me close, his own way of saying he needed the hug more than he let on. When he finally let go, a small smile broke out onto my lips. "Now put your shirt on. If I didn't know better, I'd say you want me to become straight." He laughed incredulously, such a sweet sound after what a dark topic we had previously been talking of.

   "On two conditions. One you help me write an email," he listed, reaching for his shirt. "I can do that- I do it for you anyway most days," I joked and he rolled his eyes. "And two, stay and watch some films with me, like old times. Popcorn, unhealthy things... Whatever you can get your hands on- to make up for what happened on my birthday." "Deal. Though if we have to buy them I'm paying asshole, you beat me to it AGAIN last time and you weren't even there!" "I make no promises."

   Together we ended up watching some old films together such as 'The Crow' and a bunch of classics, way into the night, laughing and commenting together as though it was just us and everything else in our lives didn't exist. He even braved a midnight snack run to the local Tesco for more popcorn, chocolate and energy drinks along side his very own partner in (metaphorically speaking) crime. We'd raced there since the winner payed for them and he always beat me to paying for something if we went out anywhere. This time was no exception- beaten to the tab by a god damn 'corpse'. How  he managed to be so strong with practically nothing on him, was beyond me. 

   We ended up having a sleepover at his place in which barely any sleep was had but it felt so good to spend time together again. It was just like back before Axis became truly well known. He hadn't changed a bit other than the issues which had come up before- he still had the same stupid sense of humour and of course couldn't get enough of Tim Burton... He was the last one to fall asleep- of course, he always was wary about his mask slipping off or something of the like, but it was a great time.

   It didn't occur to me until the next morning when Axis was already up having a shower in the bathroom, way before I had even opened my eyes, that I had no idea who I was writing the email to, or why it was so important that he needed my help to write it, considering he was a more creative writer than even me.